No Trespassing For Bonds Trainers

Mr. Personality, Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants completed a $15.8 million, one-year contract Monday night after the slugger spent hours at the ballpark being examined by team doctors.

There is a protection in Bonds' contract that says if the player is indicted in connection with the BALCO case and is suspended by the league, it will be treated as any other league suspension, meaning Bonds will not be paid during that period, ESPN's Pedro Gomez reported.

Larry Baer, the Giants' Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, told ESPN's Karl Ravech on Monday night that had there not been protections given in case of any BALCO-related issues, which could prevent Barry Bonds from playing, and that Bonds' personal trainers not be allowed in the clubhouse, the deal "would not have been done."

Bond's trainers -- Harvey Shields and Greg Oliver -- would no longer be on the Giants' payroll. That means neither will be allowed in the clubhouse, where they previously had their own lockers next to Bonds' space, or any other restricted area in any big league ballpark, the officials said. If they were to make road trips, it would be on Bonds' dime or their own.

"I have no problems with it," Bonds said. "[Oliver] and Harvey will be with me. Just outside the ballpark."

A Real Ball Buster

Unseeded and ranked 81st, the stocky Serena Williams won for her eighth and most improbable Grand Slam title Saturday, beating Maria Sharapova 6-1, 6-2. Serena Williams emphatically answered her critics with an overpowering victory in the Australian Open final.

Williams spanked Sharipova like a little girl. Come to think of it, that might have been fun to watch. Serena is my "Baller of the Week" for last week. She also valuted to No. 14 this week after winning the Australian Open.

I Hate Munchkin Boy

Can anyone tell me why the frickin' NFL yahoos chose this Munchkin to be the entertainment at halftime? Those who are not making sandwiches or going to the bathroom will have to watch this freak prance around the stage. Please put us all out of our miseries.

I say bring back Janet Jackson. Breasts are definitely better than this boy freak!Or how about Britney and Paris at the fifty yard line in a Mercedes? Who wouldn't want to see Britney get out of the car?

R.I.P.

Andy Slap Shots The NHL

The NHL had a 76% drop in household viewership from the previous All-Star game in 2004.

The Wednesday game in Dallas drew a 0.7 Nielsen rating on Versus, the cable channel formerly known as OLN. The game was viewed in an estimated 474,298 households and by 672,948 viewers, down from the 1,985,000 households that saw the 2004 All-Star game on a Sunday afternoon on ABC.

The Andy Griffith Show on TV Land even beat the NHL game.The NHL may want to put their next All Star game on the TV Land network.

Shaq Attack

Shaquille O'Neal, the Miami Heat's All-Star center and a reserve officer with the Miami Beach Police Department, followed a driver who allegedly crashed into his Cadillac Escalade and tried to flee the scene, the team said.

O'Neal and bodyguard Jerome Crawford followed the driver for about five minutes. When the driver stopped near a gas station, O'Neal approached the car and summoned a nearby police officer.

It's All About The Commercials

Ok, we all know what the Super Bowl is all about. The commercials!! In recent years, the ads that have been interesting are from domain provider, GoDaddy, who has a most sexy woman in its commercials.

Charlie Weis Is A Big Fat Plaintiff

Next month, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis will pull himself away from the dinner table and begin a medical malpractice lawsuit against two doctors involved in his near-fatal gastric bypass surgery.

Weis had the surgery in June 2002 while he was still offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots after unsuccessfully battling chronic obesity for years. He has said he weighed about 350 pounds at the time.

Weis alleges in the lawsuit, scheduled for trial Feb. 12, that Massachusetts General Hospital physicians acted negligently and left Weis so close to death that he received the Roman Catholic last rites.

"It was probably the biggest mistake of my life," Weis wrote of the procedure. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who sat at Weis' bedside when the coach was in a coma, is expected to appear as a witness.

Sprung Leak

Chris Leak, whose Florida Reptiles demolished Ohio State 41-14 to win the BCS Championship earlier this month, was only 5-of-9 passing for 23 yards in the Senior Bowl. The former Reptile will have to improve his game if he is to get the big money from the NFL.

Is This The Newest Addition To The WWF?

No, this is not the newest wrestler in the WWF. This is of course Serena Williams, the calorie challenged tennis player.

As the 81st-ranked player in the world, she will step into Rod Laver Arena, where top-seeded Maria Sharapova is the lone player looming in her path toward another major title.

Suns Red Hot

The Phoenix Suns are my "Ballers of the Week." It took nearly 40 years for the Suns to win 15 straight games. They needed only a month to do it again.

Amare Stoudemire scored 26 of his 30 points in Phoenix's big second half and the Suns beat the New York Knicks 112-107 on Wednesday night for their second 15-game winning streak of the season.

Barely a month after establishing the longest winning streak in franchise history, the Suns equaled it by turning things around after a sluggish first half in the second night of a back-to

Hogs Going Nutts

The fans are restless. About 50 people showed up Wednesday at a protest intended to demonstrate their displeasure with Arkansas football coach Houston Nutt and athletic director Frank Broyles.

Despite a 10-4 season, Nutt has had to defend his program after offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn left to join the staff at Tulsa and quarterback Mitch Mustain asked for and received his release to transfer.

"The average Hog fan feels as though they have no voice, and that needs to change," Staton said in a news release. "It is time for Coach Broyles and Coach Nutt to accept responsibility for the soap opera-type atmosphere that is prevalent in the local and national press."

Staton said Nutt had run off the best offensive coordinator in the nation.

Leinart Gone Wild

Matt Leinart apparently thinks that NFL means "Nookie For Leinart". The Cards QB may be having a crisis since he has been upstaged by Vince Young and Reggie Bush.

So he is making up for his inadequacies by apparently trying to boff every floozie in Hollywood. First it was Paris then Britney and who knows how many others. This while he recently became a father and was supposedly committed to USC ball player Brynn Cameron.

The Arizona Cardinals have even chimed in and advised him to be careful with the paparazzi pictures.

T.O. Spears Tuna

Let me get this straight.

The big mouth egotist T.O. says that the Tuna created an unhealthy locker room environment, claiming the legendary coach would sometimes not talk to him for months.

What more, Parcells did not offer Owens any words of encouragement following his accidental overdose. Awww, poor, poor baby. After all, it is all about T.O. isn't it?

Is anyone really listening to the number one malcontent in the NFL?

Give Me A "V"

Last night's game between the Duke women's basketball team and the Tennessee Volunteer's saw Tennessee men's head coach Bruce Pearl clad in only black adidas shorts and a matching Tennessee headband, with the letter V painted on his chest as several men spelled out "Tennessee Vols." Unfortuantely it didn't help as the lady Blue Devils beat the Vols.

Spread Them Wide

The Royal & Ancient Golf Club that runs the British Open announced that cellular phones will not be allowed at the 2007 British Open in response to several complaints from players including jackasses Tiger Woods and Colin Montgomerie.

All fans entering Carnoustie Golf Club in Scotland for July's tournament will be searched, Royal & Ancient said in an e-mail Monday.

Boy Toy

After failing to land Southern California assistant head coach Steve Sarkisian, the Oakland Raiders and Lane Kiffin have completed the deal to hire the USC offensive coordinator as Oakland's head coach.

Kiffin signed the five-year deal to be Art Shell's replacement on Monday night, and a press conference to announce the signing is scheduled for 4 p.m. ET on Tuesday in Oakland.

The 31-year-old Kiffin will become the youngest NFL head coach in the modern era.

Bush League

Reggie Bush was just plain bush league in his touchdown catch and run against the Bears on Sunday. His TD was accompanied by a highly visible taunt, a somersault over the goal line and an end zone Riverdance impersonation.

Rather than shift momentum to the Saints, who trailed by two points, the play seemed to galvanize the Bears.Chicago replied with 23 unanswered points over the next 27 minutes and rolled to a 39-14 victory at Soldier Field, advancing to the Super Bowl for the first time in 21 years.

"Yeah, that [ticked] me off," Bears linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo said. "You're a rookie in this league, and you had a good play. But to turn around and taunt [linebacker] Brian [Urlacher] -- taunt basically the whole team -- was a slap in the face, and I'm glad we responded."

He Did Not Inhale

Now we have an NFL league report that says Michael Vick was not carrying any illegal substance in the bottle that was confiscated last week in Miami. So why did the Atlanta GM go public so soon and lambast Vick? Why didn't Vick go public and vehemently deny the report?

These league sources told ESPN's Chris Mortensen on Sunday that Vick will be exonerated.

When reached by The Associated Press on Sunday, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello wouldn't comment on the report.

No Miami Beach For The Saints

The Saints stumbled badly to the Saints 39-14 as Gross Man did enough to help the Bears maul the Saints. There won't be any thongs in the Saint's future this year.

Peyton's Place

Ok, the Colts beat the Patriots 39-34. And even though I do not like pantywaist Peyton Manning,the Brady kid now has to kiss Peyton's ass.

Ball Buster

Professional billiards player Jennifer Barreta is not only good but she does love to bust balls.

Get Set To Watch A Great Pair Of Games Today

This One's For The Bears

Chicago school teacher Colleen Pavelka knows how much her husband loves the Bears. Apparently, she loves him even more.

Colleen chose to have the birth of their second child induced a few days early so Mark Pavelka could attend Sunday's NFC Championship showdown between the Bears and the New Orleans Saints.

The baby was due Monday. But when Colleen went in for an appointment Friday afternoon, her doctors told her she could opt for an early delivery. She decided to do so.

Just Say No

In a strange twist that left the Oakland Raiders jilted by their first choice to succeed Art Shell, Southern California quarterbacks coach Steve Sarkisian on Friday evening rejected the team's offer to become its next head coach.

League sources who confirmed the move by Sarkisian gave no reason for his decision. The Raiders had offered a contract longer than the two-year deal Shell signed but further details were not available.

Apparently no one wants to be the coach of the Oakland Raiders.After all, they have Randy Moss who will only play when he feels like playing and they have an offense that is comatose.

Cattle Call

What do the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team and "American Idol" have in common? They both have cattle calls and they both suck.

The Los Angeles Galaxy have announced that the club will hold open tryouts for male soccer players ages 18 and older who believe they can succeed at the Major League Soccer level on February 10th and 11th at The Home Depot Center in Carson, California.

For a $130 registration fee, any weekend soccer player can tryout for the team. This at the same time that they have just hired a $250 million dollar soccer player from the Isles who may eventually be playing with someone who won a place on the team from an open tryout.

Hogs Not Rooting

In a land far far away where missing teeth and incest are as common as Britney spreading her legs comes the latest.

The story of the week has been in Fayetteville, where the Razorback Nation has been split by the departures of offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn to Tulsa and quarterback Mitch Mustain to a yet-to-be-determined school. Tulsa, Louisville and Oklahoma are the frontrunners for Mustain, whose relationship with Arkansas coach Houston Nutt never developed after comments Mustain made about Nutt's offense in the book "The Year of the Dog," which chronicled Mustain's senior season at nearby Springdale High and the recruitment process that followed.

This has all the makings of a soap opera or a bad movie starring Burt reynolds.

Britney Dumped By Paris

The New York Daily News has reported that Britney Spears was turned down by the NFL Network when she approached them about appearing in a Super Bowl ad.

According to an NFL insider: "She's too much of a train wreck," says the insider. "Besides, we already have Paris Hilton."

Vick's Bottle Grounded

Michael Vick is doing it again. This bad boy can't help himself. It was the finger salute at the fans earlier in the season and now it is the fake water bottle.

Vick reluctantly surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport that officials said smelled like marijuana and contained a substance in a hidden compartment. He was not arrested and was allowed to board an AirTran flight that landed in Atlanta before noon Wednesday.

Miami police said Thursday it could be weeks before a decision is made on whether to file charges against the three-time Pro Bowler, who this season became the first quarterback in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards.

"With respect to this particular issue, Coach [Bobby] Petrino and I met with Michael this morning and expressed our displeasure," Rich McKay, Falcons president and general manager, said in a statement Thursday afternoon. "I think Michael is sorry."

The NFL's substance abuse policy states any team can decide that a player's "behavior, including but not limited to an arrest," can warrant a physical exam from its appointed medical director. NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said no decision had been made in Vick's case.

"We have a process that provides guidelines for every situation," Aiello said. "Our doctors conduct a lengthy evaluation, if necessary, and then decide if enrollment in a treatment program is necessary."

Hawaii 1 NFL 0

Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan withdrew from the NFL draft Wednesday and will return to school for his senior season.

Brennan on Monday filed the paperwork to make himself eligible for April's draft but said he needed more time to make up his mind. He had 72 hours to decide and ended up choosing another year running the Warriors' high-powered offense.

"I know what I'm passing up," Brennan said at a news conference. "My heart lies right here in Hawaii."

Brennan set an NCAA record with 58 touchdown passes this season, and led the nation in passing yards (5,549), passing efficiency (186) and completion percentage (72.6).

Clean Balls Important In Golf

Alligator Tears

Urban Cryer aka Urban Meyer cries big alligator tears. Remember his boo hoos when he thought USC or Michigan might play in the BCS championship game instead of his Florida Reptiles?

Now the tears are flowing again as four reptiles crawled out of Gainesville early for the NFL. If you ever have been to Gainesville, you know why they probably left early. Even pea brains know when they should leave a swamp.

Why We Want College Football All The Time

Appleby to Wie: Man Up

Stuart Appleby has some advice for Michelle Wie."She should just let it go for now and come back when she has a more accomplished game," Appleby said Tuesday at the Mercedes-Benz Championship in Hawaii."She's just not ready for it. She's certainly not proving anything except that she can't play with the men at her level right now."

Wie has missed the cut in 11 of 12 men's tournaments she has entered and played poorly in her last few outings against the men

He Has An AARP Safe Driver Card

1966. Ronald Reagan was elected Governor of California. Viet Nam was going full bore. The "hippie" culture in San Francisco was alive and well.

And James Hylton was the 1966 Rookie of the Year for NASCAR. Now the Rookie of the Year is attempting a comeback of epic proportions, bringing a car to preseason testing Monday as he chases his long-shot dream of qualifying for next month's Daytona 500.

"I am doing this for seniors to show that at 70 years old, you don't have to go hunting for an old-folks home. You can go race for a little bit," Hylton said. "A lot of the old drivers want to come out here and hang out in the pits and see if I can do it."

Will It Be Windy Or A Brees In Chicago?

Drew Brees, the outstanding QB for the New Orleans Saints will lead his team into the "Windy City" to play the Bears on Sunday.

Brees who was unceremoniously dumped by the Chargers last year had an unbelieveable year as the Saints compiled a 11-6 record and a shot at the conference championship. Brees had almost 4,500 yards passing and twenty-six TDs this year. His completion percentage was a hot 64.3%. Brees had more passing yards than Peyton "The Cry Baby" Manning.

College Cheerleaders Gone Wild

Is Marty Schott?

There are actually people debating whether San Diego Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer should be fired due to his loss against the Patriots.

You have to be kidding me. This is a guy that went 14-2 during the regular season and lost to a good Patriots team by a field goal. If memory serves me, Bear Bryant didn't have an exactly stellar record in bowl games. I didn't hear the good old boys at Bama yelling for him to be fired. I can't believe that the Charger's management is seriously considering this.

Gross Man

Anyone care to wager which QB shows up for Chicago's game against the Saints this coming week? Will it be the Gross Man or just Grossman? Either one is not that good. This former UF reptile seems to have inherited the pea brain of his Florida mascot. Hit him and he does things too stupid to imagine. I am taking the Saints as the feel good story of the year.

Boarding For the NFL

Despite his insistence, Oklahoma running back Adrian Peterson is headed to the NFL along with a trio of Buckeyes. The unbelievable Calvin Johnson from Georgia Tech has also opted early for the NFL.

Early Jumps:

Jamaal AndersonArkansas DE
Jon Beason Miami (Fla.) LB
Alan Branch Michigan DT
Michael Bush Louisville RB
Stanley Doughty South Carolina NT
C.J. Gaddis Clemson CB 6-0
Ted Ginn Jr. Ohio State WR
Anthony GonzalezOhio State WR
Chris Henry Arizona RB 6-0
Chris Houston Arkansas CB
Dwayne Jarrett USC WR
Calvin Johnson Georgia Tech WR
Charles Johnson Georgia DE 6-2
Marshawn Lynch California RB
Robert Meachem Tennessee WR
Zach Miller Arizona State TE
Greg Olsen Miami (Fla.) TE
Adrian Peterson Oklahoma RB
Antonio Pittman Ohio State RB
Darrelle Revis Pittsburgh CB
Sidney Rice South Carolina WR
Gary Russell Minnesota RB
JaMarcus RussellLSU QB
Ramonce Taylor Texas RB
Lawrence TimmonsFlorida State LB
Darius Walker Notre Dame RB
Danny Ware Georgia RB 6-1
Dwayne Wright Fresno State RB
Eric Wright UNLV CB 5-11

Who The Hell Is David Beckham?

News this week is that UK soccer player David Beckham would be traveling to the new world and would be making $250 million for playing for the Los Angeles Galaxy.

It is not April so I assume that this is for real but someone has to be pulling a huge joke on all of us. Who the hell cares about David Beckham? In addition, who the hell cares about soccer? I would rather watch a test pattern than watch soccer.

The Incredible Bulk Says Little

Mark 'The Incredible Bulk" McGwire had little to say about being left out of Cooperstown in his first public comments since the Hall of Fame announcement.

Amid questions about his role in baseball's Steroids Era, McGwire was picked by only 23.5 percent of voters in totals released Tuesday — far short of the 75 percent needed for induction.

"I had an absolutely wonderful career that I am very proud of," McGwire said as he signed autographs at a charity event benefiting the Orange County Abuse Prevention Center. "I'm not in control of what happens — I was in control of hitting the ball."

This is the same Mark McGwire who refused to answer questions about steroid use during his playing career at a congressional hearing, repeatedly telling a House committee he was "not here to talk about the past."

Blue Devils Gather

More than two hundred former football lettermen gathered on the Duke campus Friday night for the first Duke Football Summit. They're all there to reconnect, discuss the state of Duke football, and offer help to pump life into a program that hasn't had a winning season since 1994.

Are you kidding me? They would have done better talking about their 401(k) plans or their career goals than Duke football. The proverbial ACC doormats will be dead last once again in 2007. It's just their calling.

Michael May Be Eating At Subway A lot

New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan was ordered to pay his ex-wife $15.3 million -- more than half his net worth -- in keeping with the couple's prenuptial agreement.

Under the agreement, Jean Strahan was entitled to 50 percent of their joint marital assets and 20 percent of his yearly income from each year they were married.

"She's grateful to the court," Jean Strahan's lawyer, Ellen Marshall, told The Associated Press on Saturday. "She looks forward to her future, raising their children and moving forward."

Looks like Michael will be bawling and eating at Subway a lot.

Tebow Has Good Eyesight

Tim Tebow, the QB next year for the Florida Reptiles has apparently good eyesight. Reptiles may have pea brains but they can even spot a great pair.