Feel His "Pain"

Poor misunderstood Barry Bonds. Does he want us to shed a tear for him? One of the biggest jerks on the planet wants us to feel his "pain."Bonds told KGO that he's sorry if he appears standoffish, but he's just trying to be careful because of the (death)threats that are circulating within his camp.

"There's a lot of times I want to say I'm sorry to some of the fans. You're only strong to a point and then you get nervous," Bonds told KGO. "I'm kind of standoffish and stuff and you can't really explain that." Sure Barry. I think that's the 'roids talking.

"Stepford" Baseball Players

The latest baseball player to come out against the MLB steroid investigation is former Yankee and now Tiger slugger Gary Sheffield.

"The [players'] association told us this is just a witch hunt," Sheffield told USA Today. "They don't want us to talk to them. This is all about getting [Bonds].

"If this was legitimate and they did it the right way, it would be different. But this a witch hunt. They're just trying to collect a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense and throw the [expletive] against the wall."

He'll Never Tell

Barry Bonds and other players under suspicion of using performance enhancing drugs have been asked by Major League Baseball's lead steroids investigator to turn over medical records and submit to interviews.

Bonds' lawyer Michael Rains told the Chronicle that Bonds cannot cooperate as long as he remains the focus of a possible perjury indictment. Rains did not immediately return calls from The Associated Press on Sunday night.

Super Fly Wannabe

No, this is not the new Super Fly in the movie remake but it's North Carolina athletic director Dick Baddour making the rounds at last week's Atlantic Coast Conference women's swimming and diving championships. Apparently,there was some money left over after the hire of Butch Davis as football coach.

So Sa

Sammy Sosa returned to the field Friday after a year away from the game, greeted warmly by fans before his first spring training workout with the Texas Rangers.

"I just expect Sammy to come in and be Sammy," first-year manager Ron Washington said. "We're going to do everything we can to try to get him going and maybe he can help us win some ballgames."

If Sosa makes the team, Washington expects him to be primarily a designated hitter and bat in the middle of the lineup behind three-time All-Star shortstop Michael Young and switch-hitting slugger Mark Teixeira.

Fuzzy Is Mad

Pro golfer Fuzzy Zoeller like Bobby Bowden is mad at the internet and is not going to take it anymore. Seems that Fuzzy is teed off over what he calls defamatory statements about him on Wikipedia.Wikipedia is the free "everyman's" encyclopedia in which anyone can add to or create articles.

Instead of suing the popular online reference site, Zoeller is taking a swing at a Miami company. In a lawsuit filed last week in Miami-Dade Circuit Court, Zoeller -- suing under the name John Doe -- alleged the statements were posted from a computer belonging to an educational service.

The company's president expressed surprise when told this week by a Miami Herald reporter that the 1979 Masters champion was suing his company.

"I think it's the most bizarre thing that's ever happened in my life,"he said and added he doesn't follow golf and knows Zoeller's name only from the sports pages.

Recruits Gone Wild

The University of Cincinnati is investigating allegations that current football players and recruits engaged in sex acts with a former soccer player during a recruiting visit, according to a published report.

The allegations came from an anonymous letter dated Feb. 14 that was sent to UC president Nancy Zimpher, Daniel Cummins, the director of judicial affairs, and Barbara Rinto, the director of the UC Women's Center. The note was signed, "A Concerned Athletic Department Employee" according to the paper.

Published reports say that the sex acts took place during a party at which alcohol was served, the sex acts were videotaped and the tapes have been circulated in UC dormitories.

Nip/Tuck

Brady Needing Protection?

Tom Brady says he is happy about becoming a father. "Tom and his family are excited about the pregnancy, and want to thank everyone who has shown support, and particularly for their consideration of Tom's privacy," Brady's agent, Don Yee, told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

The happy mother is actress Bridget Moynahan, the former girlfriend of New England's three-time Super Bowl winning quarterback, who is three months' pregnant. Her publicist, Christina Papadopoulous, disclosed the pregnancy Monday and said Brady is the father.

I'm Just Misunderstood

After two tumultuous years with the New York Yankees, the Big Unit is obviously comfortable with his return to Arizona. He is confident that his offseason back surgery will allow him to return to the mound as a strong starter, if not the dominant pitcher he was in his first stint with the Diamondbacks.

That's the one thing that didn't sit very well is, `Oh, he's surly' and all that," he said. "Well, you're damn right if you're going use me as a floor mat and not going to know me, then yeah. I don't want to sit down and give you my time if you have your mind made up of your perception of me."

You must be kidding me! Randy Johnson is trying to get us to believe that he was willing to sit down with the media and play nice? Nice try Randy.

Broyles Says Bye To Hogs

Frank Broyles finally hung it up this weekend, ending what might be the most powerful run anyone has ever had in big-time college athletics. At the reported urging of boosters and trustees, the 82-year-old Arkansas athletic director announced his resignation Saturday, effective at the end of 2007 -- the 50th anniversary of his being named football coach in Fayetteville.

Pippen Wants Another Go

Scottie Pippen says he is tired of retirement and wants to return to the NBA for a chance to win his seventh championship ring.

With most of the league's stars and decision-makers gathering at the All-Star weekend festivities in Las Vegas, Pippen, 41, is shopping the market to see if any team might be interested in adding him to their roster.

"I know that I have the skills," Pippen said. "I think it's sort of been on my mind the last couple of months. It's just about me going out and polishing my skills."

Sure We Believe You

Bond Job

Barry Bonds finally signed his $15.8 million, one-year deal and it was approved Thursday by the commissioner's office, ending more than two months of wrangling between the slugger and the San Francisco Giants over contract language.

With both sides satisfied, Bonds is scheduled to report Monday to spring training. He is likely to participate in the Giants' first full-squad workout Tuesday

Skins Game

There are some women golfers on the PGA and European tour that are finding out what has been known for many years. Sex sells. Natalie Gulbis shows a little skin and gets her calendar banned at the U.S. Women’s Open by the U.S. Golf Association. Natalie Anne Gulbis (born January 7, 1983 in Sacramento, California) is a professional golfer. She played in her first LPGA event as an amateur at the age of 14. She turned professional at age 18 after playing for one season on the women's golf team at the University of Arizona.

Gulbis is considered to be one of the LPGA's sex symbols. When she released her calendar for 2005 just before the 2004 U.S. Women's Open, which featured Gulbis in different pictures that showed her playing golf, in addition to striking poses in swimwear, the United States Golf Association (USGA) barred it from being sold at the event, deeming it inappropriate, though the calendar was sold very openly at Golf Canada. The USGA was criticized for overreacting. Gulbis also posed for the November 2004 issue of the magazine FHM, an issue that also gave away a chance to play golf with her at her home course, the Lake Las Vegas Resort, where her calendar photo shoot took place. Gulbis has said that she likes the attention she gets, even if it is for her appearance.

In 2004, Ladies European Tour player Sophie Sandolo was battling some nagging injuries, sitting in 44th place on the Order of Merit, and seeing her golf career stagnate. Something had to be done."I was nobody in Europe," Sandolo said. "I really wanted to change something and I figured I needed to do something big to promote myself and golf." Mission accomplished.

Sandolo, who had previously dabbled in modeling, was approached by an Italian magazine to do her own calendar. Interested in using the idea as a promotional tool, Sandolo decided she didn't want her 2005 calendar to be run-of-the-mill.

Of course this not new. Sexy PGA golfer Jan Stephenson was the "It Girl" of professional golf in the 1980s, one of the first LPGA stars to openly embrace and champion a sex-sells approach to marketing. But the focus on her blonde-pinup looks sometimes overshadowed what was a very good golf game.

Stephenson became as famous for her sex appeal as her golf during the early to mid-80s, when she posed in a bathtub - covered up only by the golf balls filling the tub - and later in a pinup calendar. She had big hair, bright makeup and eye-catching outfits, and she urged the LPGA Tour to fully embrace her approach to marketing. There's no question she grew the audience the LPGA Tour during this time with her glamorous approach to golf - but many criticized that approach.

Just Call Him A Bawler

Tiki Barber, the former Giants running back and now a talking head for the "Today Show" is throwing Tom Coughlin under the bus.

Said Tiki,"There'd be days where I couldn't move on Tuesday or Wednesday at practice, and he'd get mad at me for going half-speed," Barber said. "And I told him, 'Coach, I can't do it. I'm gonna be out here, I'm never gonna miss a practice, but I can't give you what you want all the time." Awww, poor baby. We feel your pain Tiki.

The boy wonder also said,"Coach Coughlin is very hard-nosed, and I didn't get a lot of time off, couldn't sit down and rest myself, and so it was a constant grind -- a physical grind on me that started to take its toll,"

Ok, Tiki, we get it. Coughlin bad. Tiki good. Now go in the corner and cry your little eyes out.

Marty Schott

Let me get this straight. The San Diego Chargers just fired a coach that led the team to a 14-2 record. Apparently it was because the GM can't get along with the coach. Here's a thought. Why not fire the GM?

Pro Bowl Stings For Brees

The Pro Bowl must give coaches and general managers migraines. Witness the injury suffered by New Orleans QB Drew Brees in the Pro Bowl on Saturday.Luckily the injury was not to his throwing arm. Brees dislocated his left elbow in the first quarter of the Pro Bowl.Brees, who throws right-handed, didn't break any bones.

While the All-Pro quarterback's injury seems unlikely to affect next season, the threat of injury exists in any football game -- even a low-key, halfhearted affair such as the NFL's all-star game.

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Hiding Out

The Tiger Woods apologists are out in full force. Woods who has the personality of grass growing is setting up his golf schedule in the most advantageous way in order to eclipse the PGA winning streak of the late Byron Nelson. He has stated that he will be skipping the Nissan Open, a tournament that he has never won.

As is being reported, "It's not that Tiger isn't expecting the criticism. He is. He just doesn't care." And for those apologists who state that the PGA tournament is tougher should also recognize that Byron Nelson didn't have an entourage of personal trainers and coaches nor the club technology that can drive a ball well over three hundred yards.

Just Say No

Gonzaga basketball players Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis were suspended from the team following their arrest in which police said marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms were in their car.

The players were booked into the Spokane County Jail on Friday night for investigation of drug possession, Cheney Police Cmdr. Rick Campbell said. Prosecutors have until the end of Wednesday to file charges. The two were released Saturday on their own recognizance, the jail said.

The players were arrested in nearby Cheney. Campbell said the amount of marijuana was enough only for a misdemeanor, but possession of mushrooms is a felony.

Jackass The Owner

Is there a bigger jackass in the NBA than Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban? This guy obviously thinks he can do and say anything he wants. In addition, he thinks he is cool when he acts like a jackass.

His latest moronic comments are being tossed at Miam Heat's player Dwayne Wade. The jackass comments came after Wade's comments about the Dallas Mav's Dirk Nowitzki.

What Wade said was "At the end of the day, you're remembered for what you did at the end. . . . I think that's the reason -- Dirk says they gave us the championship last year, but he's the reason they lost the championship, because he wasn't the leader that he's supposed to be in the closing moments. That's because of great defense by us, but also he wasn't assertive enough as a leader's supposed to be.'' Well, what's not true about that Cuban?

You may want to shut your mouth and stop showing everyone how big a jackass you are.

Peyton Place

Mommie Dearest

Dale Earnhart Jr. is playing hardball with his stepmother,Teresa Earnhart. When asked what it would take to re-sign him to his late father's company,Earnhart said "I want majority ownership" during media day at Daytona International Speedway.

Asked if stepmother Teresa Earnhardt, who inherited sole ownership of the company when Dale Earnhardt was killed on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, was willing to budge, Earnhardt Jr. said, "We'll see."

Tuna In The Sea

It didn't take long to throw Bill Parcells overboard. Wade Phillips, the new Dallas Cowboys coach, called Terrell Owens by his name and made a comment directly related at Parcells use of "the player" when referring to T.O.. Also, owner Jerry Jones said that players will not be walking on egg shells now. Well, Wade, wait until T.O. cuts you into small pieces and we will see what you will say then coach.

Nothing To Crowe About

Russell Crowe says his rugby league club's cheerleading squad is being cut because skimpily clad cheerleaders detract from the game and make spectators uncomfortable. What?? Has Russell found religion or just lost his mind?

The Oscar-winning actor, who is part-owner in the South Sydney Rabbitohs club, said the club had become concerned that the cheerleaders - whose uniform includes fishnet stockings and tasseled miniskirts in the white, green and red team colors - were inappropriate entertainment.

"It makes women uncomfortable and it makes blokes who take their son to the football also uncomfortable," Crowe was quoted as saying in News Ltd. newspapers Friday.

Bowden Vs. Bowden

A year ago, Clemson's Tommy Bowden snatched top rated running back C.J. Spiller from his Dad, Bobby Bowden.
This year. the elder Bowden did the chuckling Wednesday after receiver Markish Jones switched from the Tigers to the Seminoles.

When the Bowdens, who open next season against each other in a nationally televised Labor Day night matchup, spoke later in the day, what did dear old Dad say about his tactics?

"I couldn't understand him. He wouldn't stop laughing," Tommy Bowden said Wednesday.

Wade, Meet Your Worst Nightmare

Pro Bowl Is A Beach

Bring In Jeff

Jeff Garcia is now a free agent. Hopefully the humiliated Chicago Bears will go after Garcia and hire him to replace the Gross Man.

All Wet

Chicago Bears QB Gross Man showed us all what we suspected. If you walk like a clown and throw like a clown-well, we all know what he is.

Underdog

South Beach Thongs and Bikinis

What's not to like about the South Beach scene with the hot women in thongs and bikinis. That's what's hot about the Super Bowl in Miami.

Thou Shall Not Mess With The NFL

Be warned. Do not mess with the NFL or the Super Bowl. This goes for even the churches.

The Indianapolis Colts' first Super Bowl appearance made Calvary Temple want to party like it never had before. The church planned a Sunday shindig for about 100 young adults, complete with snacks and a big screen TV to watch the game. "It's just a good opportunity to get everybody together, have some fellowship and fun and watch the Super Bowl," business manager Bill Kaler said.

But temple leaders scrapped the idea after learning the NFL stopped a similar get-together at another Indianapolis church, saying it would violate copyright laws.

"I didn't realize the Super Bowl was a copyrighted thing," Kaler said.

Neither did several congregations around the country that have since curtailed or abandoned party plans to avoid ending up on the wrong side of the law.

The league's long-standing policy is to ban "mass out-of-home viewing" of the Super Bowl except at sports bars and other businesses that televise sports as part of their everyday operations, Aiello said.

Places are prohibited from charging admission to watch the Super Bowl, and the law prevents them from showing the game on a TV bigger than 55 inches.

Comeback Kid

Brett Favre is apparently honoring us with another year of mediocre football. Seems as if that crying jag after the last game was just Favre being weepy. I am pretty tired of seeing a QB whose day has come and gone.

Head Games

The NFL has been associated with a number of incidents related to head injuries of its football players.

The most recent involves Former New England Patriots linebacker Ted Johnson. According to Johnson, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick subjected him to hard hits in practice while he was recovering from a concussion -- against the advice of the team's top trainer.And, after sustaining additional concussions over the next three seasons, he now forgets people's names, misses appointments and suffers from depression and an addiction to amphetamines.

Another recent example is that of former NFL player Andre Waters who commited suicide. Brain damage caused on the football field ultimately led to the suicide of former NFL defensive back Andre Waters, according to a forensic pathologist who studied Waters'brain tissue. The pathologist indicated that Waters' brain tissue resembled that of an 85-year-old man and that there were characteristics of early stage Alzheimer's.

The NFL needs to spend some of its wealth on studying head injuries by NFL players.

Manning-fest Destiny

Colts QB Peyton Manning will be able to show the world whether he is a good QB or a QB who can win a Super Bowl game. Will he live up to his hype? Manning never won the big ones in college and has had a tough time in the playoffs. With the offensive line he plays behind, most NFL QBs would be having good numbers also. We shall see if he is a "baller" or just a "bawler".

Party Like It's 2007

We all love to see and hear about the Super Bowl parties. What red blooded male doesn't love to see the pics of half dressed beautiful women?

Magazines such as Maxim, Playboy and Penthouse have used a sex-sells approach in recent years to lure athletes and celebrities to their Super Bowl parties.
The bashes are so popular that scalped tickets sometimes sell for more on the Internet than game tickets, says Cindy Schwartz, president of Concierge Connection in Coral Springs, Fla.

For young male jocks and celebs, Maxim's annual Super Bowl party "is the Black and White Ball of the 21st century, the social event of the year," editor Jimmy Jellinek says.

The “Goin’ Deep Super Party” will feature live entertainment in the form of rap icon Snoop Dogg. Technician the DJ, DJ Kid Capri and DJ Irie will also perform.

More than 25 Penthouse Pets will be on hand for the celebration. One Penthouse Pet will be named the 2007 Pet of the Year in a ceremony scheduled for midnight.

Stop The ESPN Analysis!!

ESPN's full scale assault on our brains must end. How much more analysis is there going to be? How many pimples do you get on game day? What are your favorite songs? Enough is enough! Stop!!